


Demons

by LoneStar_118



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Eddie Diaz, Worried Evan "Buck" Buckley, author doesn't believe in sad endings, ptsd story line
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-21
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:55:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24846403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoneStar_118/pseuds/LoneStar_118
Summary: After a particularly brutal day, Eddie begins exhibiting signs of PTSD. Buck finds a way to blame himself and desperately tries to help Eddie.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 58





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains potentially triggering/upsetting subjects/material. I've put the specific warnings in the end notes.

To anyone else the sound that erupts from the sidelines up ahead would’ve sounded like fireworks, but Eddie knows the sound and knows it well. It’s not fireworks. He wishes a million times over it were, but no amount of wishing it will make it so. The silence that follows the boom is deafening and familiar, and  _ almost  _ worse than the screams that come as soon as the crowd realizes what Eddie already knows. It’s not fireworks. It’s a bomb.

_ 72 hours earlier... _

_ “Guys, I got some bad news,” Bobby announces as he walks into the locker room at the start of shift. He knows this isn’t going to go over well with anyone, except maybe Eddie who has yet to learn the ramifications for Bobby’s most recent failure. _

_ “No,” Hen declares before he can get another word out. “No bad news until at least three hours into the shift. That’s the rule.” _

_ “When has that ever been a rule?” Buck asks, pulling his head out of his locker. _

_ “Since we decided it,” Chimney says before taking a long swig from his coffee. “And we’ve been here the longest so we get to decide.” _

_ “There’s some good news too,” Bobby tries. The good news is only a small consolation prize for what is to come. _

_ “I think I gotta back them on this one,” Eddie pipes up. “No bad news. Not this early.” _

_ “I’m sorry guys,” Bobby says with a sigh. He wishes he didn’t have to do this to them. _

_ “No,” groans the collective. _

_ “I drew the short straw. We’re doing the parade this year.” _

_ He’s met with an even louder groan from everyone except Eddie, who looks confused. _

_ “That’s it?” Eddie asks like he’s expecting a hitch. Bobby knows that he is completely unaware that the parade is the hitch. _

_ “Cap,” Chim says earnestly and looking Bobby dead in the eyes. “You have failed not only me personally, but everyone in this room, and the entire 118.” _

_ “Why is a parade a bad thing?” Eddie asks, still looking confused. _

_ “Bobby, your good news better be damn good news,” Hen says. _

_ “The good news is, we get an extra day off from taking calls-” _

_ “To deal with grouchy event organizers?” Buck demands, interrupting him. “I think that would fall under worse news. I still haven’t gotten over that lady yelling at me two years ago that I was standing on the truck wrong.” _

_ “I think you guys are overreacting,” Eddie pipes up, loud enough to be heard this time. “How bad could it be?” _

_ “Bad.” Buck replies flatly. _

_ “Worse.” Chimney deadpans. _

_ “Hell.” Hen declares. _

_ “But why?” Eddie asks, looking like he’s trying to figure out if they’re kidding or not. _

_ “Tis simply the way of nature,” Buck explains and throws an arm over Eddie’s shoulder. “It’s hours of standing around, statistically in the rain, and being yelled at by countless event planners to move fire trucks around, and none of them are ever on the same page, nor have they ever driven a fire truck so they don’t understand that one does not simply turn one around.” _

_ Eddie lifts a skeptical eyebrow. “I assume we still get paid, right?” _

_ Bobby bows his head solemnly unable to look his crew in the eyes anymore. Chimney shakes his head, and Hen actually laughs. _

_ “Oh it’s like you’re still a probie,” Buck sighs mournfully. _

_ “So we don’t get paid?” Eddie asks. _

_ “I’m afraid not,” Bobby sighs. “We usually get some kind of tip, but since we’re not actually working a shift…” _

_ “No money,” Hen finishes for him. _

One second everything is normal, cheering people, smiles, fake ones on Buck’s part, and the next there’s a boom that explodes through the air, makes it shake. Buck feels it in the pit of his stomach, and for one solid second he thinks, hopes, prays, it’s just unscheduled fireworks, but there are no lights in the sky, only screams of terror rising from the people around them. By the time it all sinks in, the sound, the screams, the smoke rising in a black plume from the crowd, Eddie isn’t even standing on the truck anymore. For one panicked second that’s all Buck can think about. A bomb just went off and Eddie is gone. Then the truck lurches to a stop throwing him down onto the hoses and snaps him out of it. 

Buck doesn’t waste another second before hauling himself upright and climbing off the truck as quickly as he can. He wishes he knew where exactly Eddie was, but he doesn’t have time to worry about that; he knows Eddie is more than capable of taking care of himself, and he has a job to do, just like every other first responder in the city is about to.

Bobby is already on the ground screaming orders and throwing turnout coats and first aid kits at the crew as they pile out of the trucks.

“Buck! Go help people and find Eddie if you can. I don’t want anyone working alone!” Bobby shouts as he tosses him both his and Eddie’s turnout coats.

Buck doesn’t bother sticking around; he plunges straight into the fray, and it’s pure chaos. Between the tsunami, earthquake, and plane crash he’s seen a lot of chaos in his days a firefighter, but through it all there’d always been some form of control. Whether that control was found in incident commanders who’d made it to the scene first or control forced upon his mind by himself, it was always there in some way or another, but this? He’s never really experienced anything like it. He can’t force himself into a position of control and calm because nothing has really sunken in yet. It’s just chaos, screaming and chaos. 

He pushes his way through the mass of screaming people surging against him. He does his best to scan them for injuries, but for the most part, they just look terrified. The closer he gets to where the bomb went off the thicker the air gets, it’s full of smoke and the smell of burnt flesh. The air sticks in the back of his throat and chokes him to the point he almost throws up. He pushes past a few more panicking people running away and steps into the real chaos. There are bodies everywhere, and other people who aren’t hurt or  _ as _ hurt running around trying to help.

At first he can’t find Eddie anywhere in the midst of the craziness of blood and screams, but then he hears a familiar shout calling out orders to the people who have stayed to help. Buck settles his gaze on his friend who’s kneeling on the ground next to an injured woman. There’s something so different about him, and Buck can’t quite put his finger on it. He’s seen Eddie keep it together during high stress situations on countless occasions, but now he seems to be more than simply keeping it together. He’s _ thriving _ , flowering under the pressure almost, and moving like everything he’s doing is completely familiar and normal like he’s comfortable and at home where he is in the middle of the pandemonium. Buck’s never seen him like this, he’s never seen anyone like this with so much panic and chaos around them. Eddie is the eye, the calm, in the middle of the swirling hurricane of chaos spinning around them, and there’s something terrifyingly majestic about it.

“Buck!” Buck is snapped out of his trance by a shout from Eddie who is now making eye contact with him. His eyes are almost too calm. “Get over here!”

Buck shakes himself and rushes to Eddie’s side.

“What do you need?” Buck asks, handing off both Eddie’s turnout coat and the emergency bag.

“She needs a tourniquet on her arm and a red tag,” Eddie says quickly and digs into the bag pulling out various packages of things and shoving them into the pockets of his coat. “I’m gonna go take care of some of the other victims. You got her.”

“Eddie-” Buck tries to stop him, but he’s already on his feet running toward the next closest victim, Buck can’t help but notice the way he keeps himself low to the ground as he moves like he’s running through a war zone.

Buck has just finished tightening the tourniquet around his victim’s arm just above her elbow when another boom sounds through the air. It’s far away but still smacks him with gut turning dread. Another bomb. Eddie freezes and goes rigid where he’s squatting next to the person he’s helping. He swivels his head around to face Buck, and he doesn’t even have to say anything for Buck to know exactly what he’s thinking.

“Eddie, don’t!” Buck calls. “We need to stay here and help these people!”

“Stay here,” Eddie says with no hesitation and is on his feet again.

“Eddie!” Buck yells after him. If there were two bombs there might be more, and he shouldn’t be running off by himself, not to mention there are still people here who need help. “Eddie wait!”

“Buck, go with him!” Buck nearly melts with relief at the sound of Bobby’s voice behind him. “More backup is on the way.”

“Got it,” Buck says quickly and grabs his bag of supplies before dashing off to follow Eddie.

“And be careful!” Bobby shouts after him.

Buck catches up to Eddie just as they reach the second bombing scene; the police already have the scene mostly clear of bystanders and there quite a few officers on the ground helping people. But there’s still an air of overwhelming chaos.

“Thank goodness you boys are here,” It takes Buck a second to register Athena’s greeting or even that she’s the one greeting them. “We’ve got a lot of people down.”

Buck doesn’t need her to tell him that. He can see it with his own two eyes. There are at least 20 people on the ground injured.

“Bobby said more backup is on the way,” Buck says quickly as he moves past Athena. Eddie has already made himself at home on the ground with one of the vics. He presses his fingers to their neck, shakes his head, and puts a black tag down on the person’s chest before quickly moving on.

Buck is half tempted to just stand and watch him, he’s moving like a machine, but he knows he’s gotta help too. He sets to work with the victim closest to him.

“Am I gonna die?” the young man asks as Buck kneels down next to him. 

“Nah, I got you,” Buck says and hopes it’s true. The guy’s been eviscerated by a piece of shrapnel from the bomb and is losing blood fast. “You got a name?”

“Jake,” the guy chokes weakly.

“Okay, Jake,” Buck says as evenly as he can. “I just need you to try to stay awake, okay?”

The man nods weakly.

“Great,” Buck says, and keeping one hand on the wound he digs through the bag of medical supplies in search of gauze; a mix of panic and dread sink in as he digs and finds nothing. “Eddie! I need gauze!”

“I’m out too,” Eddie shouts back, halfway through taking off his shirt.

“Damn it,” Buck breathes and turns his attention back down to Jake, whose eyes have fallen closed. “Jake?” 

The man doesn’t respond.

“Damn it, Jake, wake up!” Buck tries, but he already knows it’s too late. The guy’s lost too much blood and the injury to his abdomen has done too much damage. With a sinking feeling in his stomach, Buck reaches up to feel for a pulse but finds nothing. He lets out a sigh of defeat and clips a black tag to his chest before hauling himself to his feet and moving on to the next victim.

“Did I hear you say you needed medical supplies?” the girl asks as Buck kneels down next to her.

“Yeah, but don’t worry. I’ve got you,” Buck says reassuringly. She’s not in nearly as bad of shape as most of the people here. He’d classify her as a yellow tag.

“No, I have a bag with a first aid kit across the street,” she pants and attempts to sit up as she points across the now empty street.

Buck can see the green backpack sitting on a chair outside the little cafe. 

“Okay, thanks. Stay right here and I’ll be right back,” Buck says quickly and stands up. 

“Okay, I’ll be fine,” she promises.

“Eddie, she has a first aid kit in her backpack. I’m going to go get it,” Buck says as he dashes past Eddie to run and get the bag.

“Buck wait!” Eddie shouts behind him.

“I’ll be back in a second,” Buck replies. They need medical supplies.

“No! Buck, stop!” Eddie yells from behind him. He can see Eddie getting up to chase after him out of the corner of his eye and stops halfway across the street.

“What-?” Before he can even finish asking his question, Eddie’s grabbing him around the collar and throwing him onto the ground.

“Eddie, what the hell are you doing?” Buck grunts and tries to push Eddie off of him, but he only wrestles him down further.

“You’re about to trust a random person’s backpack after two bombings,” Eddie growls between clenched teeth.

“Why would she tell me to bring a bomb over to her. It’d blow her up too,” Buck argues and this time successfully shoves Eddie off of him.

“If she’s one of the bombers then she’s obviously crazy, so she probably doesn’t care,” Eddie replies shortly and grabs Buck around the wrist with a clamp-like grip as he tries to get up and leave.

“We need that first aid kit,” Buck argues and pulls himself free from Eddie’s grip.

“Buck. Stop!” Eddie’s sharp shout stops Buck dead in his tracks, not really because he had any intention of obeying Eddie, but because the ferocity of it makes him freeze. This is the first time since this whole thing started that he’s heard Eddie sound truly panicked. As a matter of fact he’s not sure he’s ever heard Eddie sound like that.

“Eddie look-” Buck tries.

“No.” Eddie snaps, cutting him off. “You don’t know anything about this stuff.”

“We don’t have time to argue about this-”

“What experience do you have with bombs?” Eddie demands harshly. Buck opens his mouth to clap back about the whole fire truck bomb incident, but Eddie doesn’t give him the chance. “Other than the truck bomb, nothing.”

“And you know so much about bombs?” Buck demands defensively at Eddie’s belittling of the fire truck bombing. Eddie’s expression goes cold, and Buck realizes almost instantaneously that he’s made a mistake.

“After so many convoy bombing you start to learn a lot,” Eddie replies venomously.

“Eddie I-” Buck is about to attempt an apology when the backpack sitting peacefully on a chair explodes, and Eddie has him on the ground again.

“Was that another one?” Hen asks standing up slowly, her blood running cold. She can see smoke rising from the street up ahead where Eddie and Buck had gone to help the victims of the second bombing.

“Oh no…” Chimney breathes standing up next to her. “Cap, we gotta get down there-”

“No,” Bobby cuts him off. He looks just as scared as Hen feels. “There are still people here who need help, and that area’s not clear.”

“But Buck and Eddie are down there!” Hen argues. There are already first responders starting to flood into this area, and she knows Buck and Eddie will need help and supplies. Not to mention they should all be staying together.

“I’m not ordering anyone else down there,” Bobby says firmly.

“But they need our help!” Hen cries in dismay.

“I know. You two stay here. I’m going to go check on them,” Bobby says and pushes past her. “Chimney you're in charge here.”

With no further discussion, Bobby takes off at a run down the sidewalk.

“Buck, get up.”

Buck comes back to with his ears ringing and Eddie shaking him vigorously. He blinks a few times as he sits up trying to clear his vision, but the air around them is thick with smoke and it stings his eyes making them water.

“What happened?” He manages to mutter before coughing on the smoke that burns the back of his throat.

“Another bomb,” Eddie says and pulls Buck onto his knees. “We need to get back to the others and make sure they’re okay…” Eddie trails off as the smoke clears just enough for them to see the girl who’d sent Buck to get the bag standing up and pulling a gun out of the back of her pants. Everyone else is still on the ground sheltering themselves.

“Eddie,” Buck breathes and reaches to grab a fraction of a second too late. He’s already sprung out of reach and is darting forward, keeping himself low and trying to use the smoke as cover. Buck wants to yell for him to stop and not try to take the armed bomber who looks like she’s ready to start shooting people, but any noise he makes will draw her attention. 

It takes Eddie mere seconds to bridge the gap between him and the woman with the gun. She’s dazed, Buck can tell that much by the way she’s staggering slightly and she has her back turned to them, and those are just about the only things Eddie has going for him in this scenario. Buck actually thinks that he might reach her before she turns around, but at the last second she spins around, gun raised and fires.

“No!” Buck screams, finding his feet and springing upward. Eddie shows no actual sign of being hit as he slams into the woman and tackles her to the ground, but Buck still can’t swallow back the panic choking him as he runs after Eddie. By the time he reaches them, Eddie has the woman on top of him and locked in a tight headlock and the cops are climbing to their feet and rushing to help as well.

“Get the gun,” Eddie hisses between clenched teeth. He has the woman’s hand pinned to the ground with one foot.

“Eddie, are you okay?” Buck asks frantically as Athena kicks the gun out of the woman’s hand. He doesn’t look okay, he’s pale and it looks like some horrible expression of pain is trying to fight its way onto his face.

“Yeah,” Eddie chokes. 

“He’s lying!” The woman wheezes around Eddie’s death grip.

“Help me get her off,” Athena orders one of the other cops and together they roll the woman off of Eddie and pin her face first on the ground.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Buck demands, his heart pounding in his throat.

“Yeah,” Eddie groans and makes an attempt to sit up before flopping back with a gasp of pain, clutching his stomach.

“Eddie?” Buck questions frantically, then he sees it, even before Eddie peals bloody hands away from his abdomen, there’s blood streaking down the yellow reflector strips on Eddie’s turnout coat. 

“Buck…” Eddie breathes staring in shock at his bloody hands. “I thought-”

“Eddie!” Buck cries, choking on the surge of panic exploding through his body and presses his hands against Eddie’s stomach. This can’t be happening. “You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be fine."

Eddie groans in pain as Buck presses his hands against the bullet wound even harder, but he doesn't let up. He has to stop the bleeding. He can hear Athena calling in a mayday over the radio behind him.

"Hen and Chim'll be here any second, just stay with me, okay?" Buck says barely able to stop his voice from quivering. "They'll take care of you and everything will be okay. You're gonna be fine."

"Okay, Buck... whatever you say..." Eddie mumbles as his eyes slide closed.


	2. Chapter 2

“Eddie was great,” Buck says cheerfully to his small audience of B-shift guys who had somehow managed to get invited to Eddie’s welcome back party. Eddie’s refused to talk about any of the stuff that happened or soak in any of the glory, so Buck has taken it upon himself to both not let the story die and make sure that everyone knows Eddie is a hero. “He clocked that bomb long before anyone else would’ve. He saved all our asses…” Buck trails off and turns around to call to Eddie who’s standing and talking with Hen. “Hey, Edds! Come tell these guys about your magic bomb detecting abilities.”

“Can you not see I’m having a conversation with him?” Hen shouts back at Buck before Eddie can reply. She throws in one of her special glares just to make her point that much more clear.

“Well I guess he’s busy,” Buck says with a shrug and turns his attention back to his audience. “Anyway-”

  
  


“Are you sure you’re doing okay?” Hen asks Eddie as soon as she’s done yelling at Buck. He’s been dancing around the reason they’re having this party since it started, and on top of that he’s tense. His jaw is set tight the way it always does when he’s nervous or unhappy, and his shoulders have hunched since they brought the cake out. Hen hadn’t really noticed at first, she’d been too busy enjoying the cake and good company; Karen had been the one who pointed it out, and Hen feels a little guilty for not noticing it on her own.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Eddie replies and puts one hand in his pocket. “This all just seems like a lot.”

“You’ve been here long enough to know we always go all out for one of our own,” Hen replies.

“And you’re a hero,” Buck says coming up behind Eddie and throwing an arm over his shoulder. Hen can’t help but notice Eddie’s slight flinch at the unexpected touch.

“I just did what anyone of us would’ve done,” Eddie replies awkwardly.

“Come on Eddie,” Buck pushes. “Give yourself some credit and quit being so humble and modest.”

Eddie laughs nervously and ducks his head slightly, putting on clear display how uncomfortable he is. Buck seems to catch on because he takes his arm off Eddie’s shoulder and looks at him with concern in his blue eyes.

“You okay?” Buck asks, studying his best friend

“Like I was just telling Hen, I’m fine. You guys are just making a big deal out of nothing,” Eddie replies shortly and pushes past as he makes an escape.

Buck watches Eddie go with a hurt expression and then turns his gaze to meet Hens. “He’s lying, right?”

“Right,” Hen agrees as she watches Eddie sit down on the couch with Christopher. Him sitting there with Chris is the most relaxed she’s seen him this whole party. “He’s definitely lying.”

“What do we do?”

“We stop rubbing it all in his face,” Hen replies. “Getting shot and surviving a bomb is traumatic no matter who you are. He probably just wants to forget it all ever happened.”

“Yeah,” Buck agrees and takes a bite of cake. “But maybe he should talk about it with someone so he doesn’t end up beating people up in underground fight clubs again.”

Hen snorts and swallows her mouthful of punch. “I don’t think it’s that extreme. I think he’s just tired of the attention.”

Eddie never really has been much of an attention seeker; he likes getting the job done and couldn’t care less about being seen doing it. The concern that Buck’s just expressed does, however, still resonate with her. If more than just an over abundance of attention is getting to Eddie then there is a significant chance he’ll keep it to himself, and if that’s the case maybe they should be confronting him about it.

“Maybe,” Buck says, but doesn’t sound overly convinced that not liking the attention is all that’s getting to Eddie.

“We’ll keep an eye on him,” Hen promises and gives Buck a pat on the shoulder.

“Have you guys seen Eddie?” Bobby asks, coming up behind Hen and Buck.

“Yeah, he’s over with Chris,” Buck says and points to where Eddie is sitting on the couch with his son. “Why?”

“I gotta talk to him about something, but I’ll wait until he’s not hanging out with Chris,” Bobby replies.

“Uh-oh, he’s not in trouble, is he?” Buck asks, half joking.

“No nothing like that,” Bobby replies. “In fact it’s the exact opposite.”

“Oh?” Hen asks turning to look at Bobby, and she has a feeling she knows what’s coming, she also has a feeling that if she’s right Eddie isn’t going to be super jazzed about it.

“The department wants to give him a medal for what he did,” Bobby replies.

“Oh he’s gonna love that,” Hen says sarcastically. Everyone knows Eddie sees everything he does, no matter how above and beyond it is, as him simply doing his job. The two times his silver star’s been brought up he’s very adamantly insisted he didn’t deserve it. This isn’t going to be any different.

“But he deserves it. He saved a ton of people and even took a bullet to the stomach for it” Buck points out and leans against the pool table. There’s a nervous air to his voice as he says this, as if just talking about the events at the parade is making him uneasy. Hen can’t blame him. She’d like to forget it all too.

“But he probably won’t see it that way.”

_ The gunshot rings out through the hazy air only seconds after Bobby takes off running down the street. Hen whips her head around to face Chimney as her heart skips a beat. He looks like he wants to run, not away but toward the other emergency scene. _

_ “Chim-” Hen is cut off by Buck’s voice cutting in over the radio. _

_ “Mayday! Mayday! Eddie’s down! Firefighter down!” _

_ Each one of Buck’s words hit Hen like a punch in the gut one falling after another, and she feels sick. _

_ “Go!” Chimney shouts before she can even voice her need to go help. “Back up’s here, go! _

_ She grabs her bag and runs; she’s never run so fast before in her life. Bobby is already there kneeling on the ground beside Eddie with Buck by the time she reaches them. Buck has both hands pressed against Eddie’s abdomen, and Hen can see that he’s about to start crying. _

_ “Hen?” Bobby doesn’t sound overly surprised, but there is relief in his tone. _

_ “You left Chim in charge, he sent me down here. Deal with it,” Hen says quickly before directing her attention to Eddie, who is looking up at her with calm brown eyes. _

_ “What do we got?” she asks and begins undoing Eddie’s coat. _

_ “Lower abdomen gunshot wound,” Eddie grunts before Buck or Bobby can say anything, and tries to sit up. “It’s still in there…” _

_ “Okay Eddie,” Hen says gently. “I’ve got you. You need to lay back and let me work, okay?” _

_ “This isn’t my first rodeo,” Eddie mumbles as Bobby eases him back down to the ground. “Lots of blood… Probably nicked the aorta… kidney maybe…” _

_ Buck turns his panicked expression on Hen, his gaze begging her not to confirm what Eddie just said. _

_ “He needs a hospital,” Hen says, shaking her head slightly as she rips open a package of gauze. There’s really not much she or anyone else can do for Eddie in the field. He needs an OR and he needs one fast. She honestly has no idea how he’s still awake with the amount of blood he’s losing. _

“I got you more punch,” Buck says and hops daintily over the back of the couch so he plops down next to Eddie, who jumps.

“Yeah if you don’t spill it all over the place first!” He objects, Buck can see him struggling a little to collect himself. Chris giggles next to him and smiles at Buck.

“Hi Buck,” the kid says happily.

“Hey buddy,” Buck says and reaches across Eddie to give him the punch. “You have that since your dad is being so prickly.”

Eddie rolls his eyes and elbows Buck.

“We can share,” Chris offers, nestling closer to Eddie.

“Thanks bud,” Eddie says and ruffles his son’s hair. “At least someone on this couch isn’t a heathen.”

“Yeah, you Diaz men are  _ crazy _ .” Buck jokes and flashes a playful grin at Eddie who laughs hopelessly and shakes his head. “I’m the true gentleman here.”

“He was talking about me, silly,” Chris giggles and takes a gulp of the punch.

“Oh, well now I’m feeling a little insulted,” Buck says with mock offense and throws an arm over Eddie’s shoulders. “At least I’m not the only heathen on this couch.”

Eddie opens his mouth, probably to make some clap back, but is cut off by the station alarm going off signaling the party’s over and it’s time for a call. Eddie jumps a little; it’s subtle, more subtle than his jump when Buck startled him by hopping over the couch or earlier when he’d come up behind him while he was talking to Hen. It could even be classified as more of a twitch. Chris doesn’t notice, but Buck does, and he can’t help the feeling of worry that flares up in the back of his mind. It’s not just the unwanted attention of the party that has him uptight. He isn’t okay.

“Uh, hey, if you wanted to stay and enjoy your welcome back party more, I’m sure one of the B shift guys wouldn’t mind filling in for you,” Buck suggests as he and Eddie get up off the couch.

“Have you completely lost your mind?” Eddie demands with a look of annoyance flashing across his face. “I haven’t been on a call in over six weeks. I’m not sitting this one out.”

“It was just a thought” Buck says defensively as he follows Eddie down the stairs to the trucks. For the past six weeks Buck has been counting everyday until he’d have Eddie sitting next to him in the rig running calls. He’d looked forward to it so much, but now that Eddie’s actually back, climbing into the truck with him, his eager anticipation has ebbed away and been replaced with a deep seeded fear for Eddie. It’s not just because there’s something still very clearly bugging Eddie and making him uncharacteristically jumpy, but it’s also because he just survived being shot after three different bombs exploded, and Buck never wants anything like that to happen again. He never wants to see Eddie bleeding and on the verge of death ever again, he never wants to see him in so much pain, and he never wants to be inside of another hospital waiting room ever again. Part of him wishes Eddie would retire. He doesn’t  _ really _ want that, he loves having Eddie next to him on every call and it’s been hell without him, but at the same time he’d be safe.

_ “Stupid!” Buck shouts and slams his palms against the bathroom wall in a spat of anger, mostly at himself. He should’ve listened to Eddie sooner. He should’ve known there was something wrong with the backpack. Bomb training one oh one is that unattended bags are trouble especially when two other bombs have already gone off. If he’d listened to Eddie right off the bat he would’ve still been right next to the girl with the gun when the bomb went off. He would’ve been able to stop her before she did anything, or at the very least it’d be him in surgery right now and not Eddie. But no. He’d been impulsive and stupid like he always. He got Eddie shot and very well could’ve gotten everyone else blown up. “Damn idiot!”  _

_ He smacks the wall again. He should’ve been faster trying to stop Eddie from going after the girl with the gun. He jumped in too fast when he should’ve been thinking things through and he moved like a damn slug when he should’ve been jumping in, and now Chris will, likely as not, grow up without a father and it’s Buck’s fault. He was supposed to keep Eddie safe, just like Eddie was supposed to keep him safe. _

_ “You’re many things Buck, an idiot isn’t one of them.” _

_ Buck looks over in surprise to see that Bobby has slipped into the hospital bathroom and is now eyeing him with concern. _

_ “I am!” Buck cries miserably. He’s pretty sure he’s crying; at the very least he’s about to start. “That backpack screamed bomb and I was to stupid see it! I tried to ignore Eddie’s warning. The only reason I didn’t was because he tackled me.” _

_ “It was a high stress situation-” _

_ “Yeah! And my damn job is to keep it together when things are stressful, Bobby!” Buck shouts and punches the paper towel dispenser. He barely even feels it. He’s too numb. _

_ “You had saving lives on your mind, Buck,” Bobby says soothingly. “You have faith in people’s goodness. It’s not your fault that woman tried to use that against you.” _

_ “Then how come Eddie clocked the bomb?” Buck demands. He should’ve seen it. _

_ “Eddie’s seen more bombs than all of us put together,” Bobby replies gently and steps a little closer to Buck. “This isn’t your fault Buck, and don’t even think about blaming anyone other than the woman with the gun and bomb for this. Not for one second.” _

_ “But if I’d done something differently-” _

_ “Buck, trust me. That question doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t help. It just makes everything worse. Now come back into the waiting room and be with your family.” Bobby says sternly as he holds Buck’s gaze. “You need them and they need you.” _

_ Buck wants to look away, and he wants to keep shouting and breaking things, but he knows Bobby is right. They’re all in this together and he needs to go be with the rest of the 118. _

Buck notices Eddie hesitate outside the ambulance as they load the victim into the back. It’s a subtle freeze up and his eyes widen slightly as his jaw clenches; then he shakes himself.

“Switch with me,” he says quickly and ducks past Buck before he can protest.

“Guess you’re with us,” Hen says to Buck as he climbs into the back of the ambulance and closes the doors. 

He casts one quick glance back at Eddie through the back window, and then turns to Hen who already has her all knowing wise face on.

“He spooked,” Buck says gesturing in the vague direction of the fire truck behind them. Eddie being jumpy is one thing, understandable even, but this, his duck and run, is something else entirely.

“He never spooks,” Hen agrees.

“Maybe it’s like first day jitters all over again,” Buck says, but he knows it sounds stupid even as he says it. 

“Eddie never even had  _ first  _ first day jitters, Buck,” Hen says, her voice matching the concern written on her face.

“But why would he duck out like that?” Buck asks. Their patient may be sedated and perfectly stable, but Eddie has way more medical knowledge than he does so he should be the one riding with them.

“I don’t know,” Hen says shaking her head.

Buck lets out a frustrated sigh and sits down. He wants to talk to Eddie about whatever's bothering him, needs to really, but he knows he probably won’t open up. Eddie can be like an uncrackable safe when it comes to his feelings and emotions, and if those feelings and emotions are something that might compromise the job he definitely won’t open up. Buck can’t help but wonder if maybe Chris knows something; it seems a little low checking up on Eddie through his eight year old kid behind his back, but he might just have to do it.

***

“Buck, can I talk to you?” Bobby says before Buck is even out of the ambulance back at the station. He doesn’t sound happy.

“Uh-oh, somebody's getting in trouble,” Chimney teases as Buck hops out of the ambulance wiping his hands down with sanitizer.

“Sure, what’s up?” Buck asks.

Bobby nods his head toward his office and then walks toward it without another word.

Chimney whistles. “What’d you do, Buck?”

“Shut up,” Hen says before Buck can reply and smacks Chim in the back of the head.

“Hey!”

Buck rolls his eyes and follows Bobby to his office. He’s pretty sure he hasn’t done anything wrong since being on shift, so he’s just a little confused.

“Why’d you switch with Eddie?” Bobby demands as soon Buck closes the door behind him. “I know I give you guys a lot of room to switch up and make suggestions, but I put him on the ambulance for a reason and you didn’t even ask me about switching.”

“I mean he didn’t really give me much of a choice,” Buck says with a shrug, and Bobby’s slight angry frown morphs into a confused frown.

“What?”

“Um… we loaded the vic into the ambulance he told me to switch and then dashed off,” Buck explains. He can sense from Bobby’s expression that something’s up. “Why? Did he tell you something else?”

“Yes actually,” Bobby says. “When I asked him why he wasn’t riding on the ambulance he said you asked to switch.”

Buck raises his eyebrows in surprise. “He did?”

“Yeah,” Bobby muses.

Buck frowns. This is a new level of concerning; Eddie lied straight to Bobby’s face.

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: terrorism, ptsd, flashbacks/nightmares to war and to the previously mentioned terrorism, and maybe panic attacks (i haven't finished the fic so idk if that last one will apply but it probably will.)
> 
> The warnings are for the whole fic not just chapter 1.
> 
> Questions? Comments? Concerns?


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